1) Angels Bert, aged 25. 'My wife's an angel'. Don, aged 57. 'Your lucky, mine is still alive'.
2) Christmas Kiss Romeo: What would it take to make you kiss me under the mistletoe? Juliette: An anaesthetic.
3) Christmas Drink A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ...... So the barman gives her one.
4) Christmas Pudding Charms Silver Christmas charms bring you good fortune. Packaging Notice: Potential choking hazard: do not use with food.
5) How Was Your Christmas Meal? We had grandma for Christmas dinner. Really?
We had turkey.
6) Reindeer Joke What did the reindeer say before launching into his comedy routine? This will sleigh you.
7) Sales Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale. Handmade gifts for that hard-to-find person.
8) Christmas Joke Pizza Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza. The salesgirl asked him:- 'Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?'
9) Mike walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The barmaid looks at the creature and asks the man what he calls it.
'Tiny', answers Mike. 'Why's that?' enquires the barmaid. 'Because he's my newt' concludes Mike. (Will had to explain this riddle to me. My newt - minute)
10) Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present!
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Dave
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1956 Pontiac Pathfinder 2dr sedan, 496 - dyno'd 545 hp, stick shift, 4.11 posi - Hot Rod
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 1, 2010 RE: Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 24th, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM.
Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty
__________________
1967 Parisienne 2+2 1967 Grande Parisienne
1967 Laurentian 1967 Strato Chief
Remember, "The Government" only has money confiscated from us.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 2, 2010 RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty
__________________
1967 Parisienne 2+2 1967 Grande Parisienne
1967 Laurentian 1967 Strato Chief
Remember, "The Government" only has money confiscated from us.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: December 4, 2010
RE: Generic Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first. There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
__________________
1967 Parisienne 2+2 1967 Grande Parisienne
1967 Laurentian 1967 Strato Chief
Remember, "The Government" only has money confiscated from us.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F*%^ing Employees DATE: December 5, 2010 RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, The B*tch from H*ll!!!
__________________
1967 Parisienne 2+2 1967 Grande Parisienne
1967 Laurentian 1967 Strato Chief
Remember, "The Government" only has money confiscated from us.
1956 Pontiac Pathfinder 2dr sedan, 496 - dyno'd 545 hp, stick shift, 4.11 posi - Hot Rod