> > Various Tools
> > Explained
> >
> > 
> >
> >  
> > DRILL PRESS: A tall
> > upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
> > stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest
> > and flings your beer across the room, denting the
> > freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the
> > corner where nothing could get to it.
> >
> >
> > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
> > somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
> > removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
> > in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh,
> > sxxx!"
> >
> >
> > SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
> > short.
> >
> > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used to
> > create blood-blisters.
> >
> > BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
> > convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
> >
> >
> > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the
> > Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a
> > crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
> > influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
> >
> >
> > VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
> > off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
> > be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
> > hand.
> >
> > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
> > various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
> > for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
> > you want to remove a bearing race.
> >
> >
> > TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
> > launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
> >
> > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to
> > the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes,
> > trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
> >
> >
> > BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
> > most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
> > that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
> > inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
> >
> >
> > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
> > tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
> >
> > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
> > seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil
> > cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
> > as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
> >
> >
> > STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
> > Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
> > non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
> >
> > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
> > clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
> > 50 cent part.
> >
> >
> > HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
> >
> > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> > nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
> > most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
> > hit.
> >
> >
> > UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
> > of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
> > particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
> > liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
> > checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
> > slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
> >
> >
> > SON-OF-BITCH TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
> > across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch"
> > at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
> > tool that you will need.
> >
> >