DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING

 Rule One:

 If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
 package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

 Rule Two:

 You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so
 long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

 Rule Three:
 I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to  
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their  
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not  object.

However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

 Rule Four:

 I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing  
a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

 Rule Five:

 It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each  
other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from
you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back  
at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early.

 Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to  
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my  
daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little
girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished  
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

 Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,  
and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden GateBridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

 Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands,  or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

 Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,  
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

 Rule Ten:

427carl wrote:

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My girlfriend started following me around in High School in 1966...  She was 17 Shes still here....

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 ......and your wife puts up with her?  I gotta meet this lady!