Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband:Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' ---------------------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' Husband:'Sure! What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes or No.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why dear?' Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.' Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you.' Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' Boy:'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' Girl:'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
Son:'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' Mom:'Well, you have done the right thing.' Son:'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, no matter WHO left you a fortune!'
---------------------------------------------------------- Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever. The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'
------------------------------------------------------- A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
-- Edited by 427carl on Wednesday 12th of January 2011 03:02:39 PM
My wife was sick of my drinking habits, so she decided to teach me a lesson. She dressed up like Satan, and when Ireturned home from another bender, she jumped out from behind the sofa and screamed.
"You don't scare me," I said, looking her over calmly., "I married your sister."
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?'
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House."
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The f****ing' funeral director would be my first guess."
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
My Snowmobile wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid.
without further care;