My ex-wife is a nurse. She worked many long hours. To show her my appreciation for her work I took her out for dinner. When the check came, I realized I had left my wallet at home. She said, "Hey, no big deal... I will just use my card." When the waiter brought back the receipt and card, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to sign her name with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted waiter and without missing a beat, she says, "Well, that's great... Some *******'s got my pen!"